Chris Hates Freedom

So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish!

2011-01-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

With a heavy heart I am turning off the lights at ChrisHatesFreedom in order to concentrate all content under the EvilChristopher banner. Not that anyone's actually reading this in light of my lack of publishing content for some time. Hopefully, having less plates to spin will help me make myself devote more time on the few that remain.

For all new content (and a compendium of past idiocy), please go to evilchristopher.com

The McCain Administration Chronicles, #1

2010-09-14T10:14:00.001-07:00

A Love Song for the Rest of Us

2010-05-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know I don't have a music career in front of me - just shut up and laugh at the damn song. You all know you've been there.

Lyrics:
It’s so hard, to get the nerve
To say how much I care
I can tell you feel the same
But you’re too afraid to share

so now I’ll Take this leap of faith and say,
My heart is in your hands
And I love you, do you love me too?
What the f**king hell, did you say you just want to be friends?!?

Yeah, that’s fine… friends for sure
I’ll even be your best
Go have fun, enjoy your date!
But should you wear that short a dress?

And we’ll enjoy a lasting bond without
All that pesky sex
And, oh, we’ll fly on unicorns next -
You must be on the pipe if you think I just want to be friends

New design underway.

2010-02-20T19:43:00.001-08:00

Like I'm getting any traffic at the moment anyways. But still.

In response to the CT GOP twitter fiasco...

2009-10-23T13:42:00.001-07:00

Earlier this week, CT democrats protested to twitter when they discovered that state GOP operatives have created accounts to impersonate and mock them. In addition to this juvenile behavior, they have also created websites using their opponents' names in what must clearly be a race to the bottom of the mud pit. When asked about the twitter accounts being suspended by the company after democratic protests, CT GOP chairman Chris Healy called the Democrats in question out as whiners who wish they had thought of it first, and complained that his free speech rights were being curtailed. In an effort to exercise MY free speech rights and raise the political discourse to the new Chris Healy standard, I've registered the website http://www.chrishealy.info/ My hope is that, through enough people spreading the word and linking from their sites, we can raise this site to the level of being the top google link for the phrase Chris Healy, Connecticut GOP Chair, and send a message to the republicans that the left is not to be trifled with on social media.
Update: that was me in the comment thread on CT Confidential.

Conservative Principles in Action!

2009-10-21T15:50:00.002-07:00

Emergency Instructions

2009-10-17T20:49:00.001-07:00

Pundit-O-Matic

2009-10-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

Helping out the GOP brand redesign

2009-10-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

This week the republican part released their new website, GOP.com . Their design is as follows:

If you refresh the page, you get greeted with new faces where the 'O' in 'GOP' should be. And there's all sorts of minorities in there - because the GOP is all about inclusion. I figured I should make some more appropriate images for them to throw in the rotation - free of charge, because that's how I roll.

Driving the children insane.

2009-05-24T06:39:00.001-07:00

This is my best recollection of the exchange I had with Madisyn (my daughter's older sister - she's 8) on our way to a birthday party last night. It passes the time, and had my daughter laughing the hardest I've ever seen. Evil humor must run in the family.

Madisyn: Wanna hear a joke?

Chris: Sure.

M: Knock Knock!

C: Knock Knock, who?

M: No! You were supposed to say, "who's there!"

C: HA! that WAS a good joke, Madisyn!

M: THAT WASN'T THE JOKE.

C: Are you sure?

M: YES.

C: If you say so. Try it again.

M: OK, but this time when I say "knock knock", you say "who's there".

C: OK, but this time when I say knock knock, you say who's there, who?

M: CHRIS!

C: Sorry, I don't get it.

M:GRRRR.

M: KNOCK. KNOCK.

C: Who's there?

M: BANANA.

C: HELP! THERE'S A TALKING BANANA TRYING TO GET INTO MY HOUSE! SAVE YOURSELVES!

M: AAAAGH! You're not SUPPOSED to be scared of the banana!

C: You should have told me. If you think about it, that kinda makes it your fault this joke got all messed up.

M: Knock Knock!

C: Who's there?

M: Banana.

C: Hi, Banana! Come one in - the door's unlocked!

M: I am going to kill you.

C: I thought you said I wasn't supposed to be scared of the Banana, Madisyn.

M: Please stop.

C: Okay. Sorry.

M: You promise?

C: Sure.

M: Knock Knock!

C: Who's there?

M: Banana.

C: Banana who?

M: Knock Knock!

C: Who's there?

M: Banana.

C: Banana who?

M: Knock Knock!

C: Who's there?

M: Orange.

C: Hey Orange, if you see Banana out there, tell him I'm gonna kick his ass for knocking on my damn door over and over!

M: CHRIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSS!!

C: Oh, look... we're here! Good joke, Madisyn.

Conservatives attempt to expose the deep-seated liberal bias

2009-05-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

http://newsbusters.org/blogs/matthew-balan/2009/05/15/cnns-john-roberts-fails-press-gore-bush-criticism-whopper#comment_form

Gore claimed that he had “waited two years after I left office to make statements that were critical, and then of the policy.” In reality, he made a significant policy speech denouncing the Bush administration’s pre-war policy towards Iraq in September 2002.

September 2002 is, depending upon the exact day, 7 or 8 months after January - the month Presidents take office. 2002 is a year after 2001 - the year Bush was inaugurated.

1 year + 8 months = 1.66 years.

Yes boys and girls: the liberal media let Al Gore off the hook for the unpardonable sin of rounding.

Funny Things...

2009-04-21T16:49:00.001-07:00

I find it funny that if liberals reflect the views of 65% of the country and criticize a Republican President's handling of our country after several years, they are unpatriotic because they should stand by their president during wartime. However, if there's a Democratic President with a disapproval rating that's as small as the Republican's approval, it's perfectly alright to talk about secession from the union after 3 months in office, even though the very same war is underway.

I think its funny that the liberal networks have an incredibly biased stranglehold on our news coverage, yet CNN gave Conservative personality Glenn Beck his Prime time break, MSNBC hosts conservative Joe Scarborough (and formerly Michael Savage), while Fox News has no liberal shows. If it weren't for Fox News and their parent company Newscorp's holdings of The New York Post, The Wall Street Journal, barrons, Marketwatch, The Weekly Standard, Fox Studios, and Fox Business channel, there's be no conservative voice to be heard. Except for almost the entirety of AM talk radio, Drudge Report, and National Review, to name a few.

I think its funny that after blasting the Democratic budget as unrealistic big spending, Republicans initially release a budget with absolutely no numbers. Then they release a budget that actually cost More than the Democrats' plan!

I think its funny that conservatives believe Americans should have the right to hoard semi-automatic weapons with armor-piercing ammo and pollute for profit without Big Government's interference, but if somebody wants to give legal protection to their love for someone with the same naughty parts, that same government needs to step in and save the day.

I think its funny that a party who claims to be the party of values would impeach a Democratic president for having an affair, despite the fact that several of the congressmen leading the charge were actively engaged in affairs themselves. its even funnier that they argued it would be wrong to impeach a Republican President for giving false evidence in his case for war, even though no democratic congressmen were giving false evidence to start wars at the time.

I think its funny that when a Democrat is president during a booming economy, it is thanks to the Republican who went before him. When a Republican is president during a faltering economy, its due to the Democrat who went before him. But when a Democrat inherits a failing economy, its congress's fault.

I think its funny that releasing documents that state we practice waterboarding after talking non-stop about waterboarding for the past year is an unconscionable risk to national security, but its alright to out an undercover CIA agent if you're mad at their spouse.

I think its funny that Bush's 2004 win with just a 2% margin of the popular vote was "a clear mandate to advance a conservative agenda over the next four years.", but Obama's win with 7% proves that America is still a center-right country.

On McCain

2008-09-08T14:33:00.001-07:00

Did you know:

John McCain was a P.O.W?
John McCain's P.O.W. experience makes him uniquely qualified to lead?
John McCain is a Maverick?

I was unaware of these important facts as well, until they were beaten into my skull on an hourly basis for the past half year. Apparently, this is all the election centers around.

I, for one, have reservations about how being a prisoner of war makes you ready to lead the country (notice how its no longer 'lead the free world'? thank dubya for that). Correct me if I'm wrong, but one of the goals of most military operations is, quite simply, don't get caught. So, McCain's capture amounts to mission failure - which is the opposite of 'Mission Accomplished'... well, at least before it was put on a banner. I'm not trying to say it should be held against him, but he needs to quit waving it in everybody's face.

I also find it quite interesting that all the Republicans place so much stock in McCain's POW cred and how he trounces Obama in readiness to lead, but couldn't have given two shits about it 8 years ago when McCain ran against a reformed alcoholic who used his daddy to avoid real military service for the Republican nomination. By historical Republican priorities, Bush > McCain; seems like they're changing their system of measurement.

One of the problems I have with modern republican campaigning in general is how they use situations unwillingly thrust upon a candidate as proof of their character. John McCain did not tunnel himself into a Vietnamese prison - he was captured and placed there against his will(to be fair, he did refuse special treatment as the son of an admiral after capture), just like Bush and Giuliani were sworn into office before 9/11, and shouldn't be revered for handling the crisis, since it was part of their job description.

A good Democratic parallel is Joe Biden, whose wife and infant child died in a tragic automobile accident. If you were forced to choose either 5 years imprisonment or losing your spouse and baby, which would you choose? I don't think I'd go casket shopping. Yet despite the fact that Biden's tragedy was the greater of the two, he doesn't milk it at every available opportunity like it was an accomplishment.

I'm not trying to denigrate military service, nor do I believe its a requirement -or even a plus- for anyone who seeks the presidency; the military is run by our government, and not the other way around. So, to you POW cheerleaders: until you have evidence that McCain's room in the Hanoi Hilton was stocked with books on global economics, multinational diplomacy and constitutional law...

...shut the hell up.

Dammit to Hell, John Edwards

2008-08-10T19:10:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've heard by now about John Edwards admitting to having an affair; shit, you were able to find my tiny little blog. This man actually ran for president with this skeleton in his closet; even worse - he created it while preparing for his campaign! To think that this man - my original pick for the ticket - would endanger the party and the future of this country in such a manner is disheartening. Could you imagine if he were the nominee right now, a mere 3 months before the election, and this came to light? There would be next to no chance of McCain losing. The republicans have a very solid track record of picking up the adultery football and running it for a touchdown.

But this isn't about them.

After 8 years of Bush in office, and the complete mess the country is in (justice department, Iraq, housing bubble, torture, our image abroad, katrina, etc), this election is more than just a popularity contest - this, truly, is possibly our last chance to choose a different path for our country for quite some time. To risk America's future because "President Edwards" happens to have a nice ring to it is an atrocity.

Good-bye, John Edwards. As someone who voted you into the Senate so many years ago, got excited when Gore was considering you in 2000, and was thrilled to see you on Kerry's ticket in 2000, you had my respect in abundance.

Not anymore.

New Clinton Campaign Sticker!

2008-05-27T07:52:00.000-07:00

Quotes to ponder

2007-07-14T08:07:00.000-07:00

Naturally the common people don’t want war. But after all, it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy, and it’s always a simple matter to drag people along whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. This is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and for exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country.

Hermann Goering, Hitler’s Reich Marshall

The Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion.

George Washington (you might know him), Treaty with Tripoli

To Catch a Predator/Complete Asshat

2007-07-10T18:48:00.001-07:00

You've at least heard about the show, maybe you've even seen it, where Chris Hansen confronts pervs who are caught in a chat-room sting for trying to have sex with a 13 or 14 year old. Of course these guys are sick and deserve their fate, but what gets me is how INCREDIBLY STUPID they are to boot.

First off, most of these mental giants are already aware of this program and the sting operations. Even so, they waltz right into the trap like a total retard. "well, she said she wasn't a part of it"- do you really think the decoy would go "crap, you got me- I'm part of a sting operation!" This also displays an utter lack of pattern recognition skills: if they had "to catch a pirate", where people downloaded mp3's from limewire only to have the police come arrest them, I'd probably uninstall limewire and quit downloading mp3's.

Another thing that gets me is that they use young model/actresses (and actors) as the decoys. Guys, guys, guys... how can I put this delicately? The blonde-hair/ blue-eyed cheerleader archetype you crushed on in 9th grade isn't going to suddenly find you irresistible now that you've gone bald, grown a beer belly so large it makes the angels weep, and got a kickin' job cleaning pools. Look at yourself: would you do you? Being older might net you bonus points on some of the ladies' scorecards, but holy hell, it is NOT a cure-all.

Also, did I miss the changing of the guard, due to my last 10 years of serious relationships, where the courtship ritual transformed into "trade vital stats with a complete stranger, swap pictures, meet and screw"? If this were true, I'd totally be kicking my self in the ass over all the time I wasted feigning interest as chicks talked about the dreams they had the nights before. But it's not true (however, I'm still not crazy about the time I spent listening to dream interpretation prattle). I'm curious how the internal monologue for these rocket scientists would read:

"Awesome, this 13-year old I met online just 10 minutes ago is totally gonna give her virginity to me RIGHT NOW! I am a smooth-talking mofo! Where are my car keys?"

I know the young girls aren't quite as sophisticated as their legal counterparts, but they're still not going to sleep with your grimy ass after a 10 minute Q&A. Idiot.

One thing that killed me was how many of these creeps were married! Why in the name of a thousand hells would anyone complicate their life with an affair that could end with being taken away in handcuffs upon discovery? Something tells me she'll get the house in the divorce proceedings. On a side note: I totally believe you should give your spouse a little bit of privacy, but if he can set up a date to drive 2 hours away for some preteen action, you might need to keep slightly better tabs on what he's doing.

What the hell are these people thinking? These people are literally throwing their lives away because they want a specific type of person to press their happy button. Does the little brain truly have that much control? Can they not control themselves, or are they truly stupid enough to think they're getting away with it? Why even go illegal: if you're 50, is there really that big a difference between 13 and 18? It's not exactly something I condone, but at least its legal. Sure beats risking jail for the chance to talk about Paris vs Lindsey and middle school power struggles.

Defending Bush's Commutation of Libby

2007-07-03T12:58:00.001-07:00

As you know, President Bush commuted Scooter Libby's prison sentence, prompting a strong reaction from the left. I am forced to break rank with my brethren and disagree.

This commutation was a victory for America's two-party system (and independents too!). Without the contrast of Republicans vs Democrats, our government would crumble. How can we expect our nation's elite to enter a career in Republican politics if they might face actual jail time for lying, cheating, and otherwise subverting our systems of government?

Furthermore, we all know that the real misdeeds in this Plame fiasco lie higher up the totem pole than ol' Scooter. Shame on us for dancing a jig because a henchman, an underling, actually got in trouble- "at least we got someone, dammit!". By robbing the left of the empty victory it so smugly enjoyed, the fires of indignation are stoked once more.

HaikuReporter Spotlight

2007-05-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

Republican has /
Open Government Act blocked /
by a secret hold.

Okay... this is totally fricking batshit insane. Tinfoil-hat wearing, devil-made-me-microwave-the-baby insane. The Open Government Act, which was a bipartisan effort to allow the American Public better access to information by making the government more accountable, was put on hold by a lone Republican Senator.

But we can't find out who.

And we also don't get to know why.

(Cue the Alanis Morissete song.)

Apparently, someone thinks we're not able to digest raw truth and should simply continue eating what Papa George spoon-feeds us. I'm curious to see how the right-wing talking heads try to spin this one.

Headline from the near future

2007-05-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

President Bush Suspends Elections
March 12, 2008

President Bush announced today that with the compromise legislation passed by congress this morning, elections are officially suspended and also instituted a moratorium on term limits in order to successfully pursue the war on terror.

"To broadcast to our enemies a date at which they will face an America with a commander-in-chief less steadfast than myself is nothing short of raising the white flag of surrender. This would embolden Al-Qaeda," he stated. "It is hard for me to cancel these elections, but war is hard, and freedom demands sacrifice"

Congressional Democrats reluctantly caved after initial legislation requiring a set date on which to hold the next presidential election was vetoed on the grounds that it would hurt our troops in the field. Sources on the hill claim Democratic leaders agreed to this in order to avoid being labeled 'soft on terror'.

Majority Leader Harry Reid stated, "Although we are ultimately unhappy with this legislation, we do feel that this compromise is a small step in the right direction. We have made the president commit to important benchmarks, including not being able to appoint a family member as his successor and refusing the title of Emperor" He also publicly put questions of impeachment to rest. "We might disagree with the President, but we support our troops and do not desire to complicate operations in the field. Impeachment is off the table."

Privately, democratic leaders believe this move will shave another 2% off Bush's approval rating, taking him down to 28%; they hope the presidents' unpopularity will help a Democrat take over the office when elections are scheduled to resume sometime after 2018.

A recent poll indicated that 35% of Americans disapproved of the president's decision, 25% approved, and 40% wanted to get off the phone because American Idol was on.

The many faces of our Glorious Leader

2007-05-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

HaikuReporter.com spotlight

2007-05-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

Bird does to George Bush /
as he has done to progress /
for the past few years.

New Web Address!

2007-05-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

Instead of the cumbersome blogspot address, you can now get here through http://www.chrishatesfreedom.com
woohoo! we're bonafide!!

update: BOO!!! server problems! lets stick with the cumbersome blogspot address for a bit...

update II: yay? lets give it a day or 2 and see...

HaikuReporter.com Spotlight

2007-05-24T06:00:00.001-07:00

No troop pullout dates? /
Congressional Dems have earned /
the term "cut and run"

I've decided to post all my Political Entries from HaikuReporter over here as well, because content is content.

After all the cheerleading I've done for the Democratic takeover in congress, it sickens me to see them fold on this just because Georgie threw another temper tantrum. What gets me is the flawed logic in this politically calculated move: if more than half the country wants us out of Iraq, wouldn't taking steps in that direction better qualify as an appeal to the moderate base than the current act of caving to pressure from the right?

I've heard the argument that it wasnt a total loss because of some of the language put in the measure to create 'benchmarks'; my boy David Swanson at afterDowningStreet.org makes it clear that these are benchmarks in name alone.

Then there's the line about how this bill is a victory because they're going to push through a long-overdue minimum wage hike. This is an insulting attempt at placation by introducing legislation that they quite frankly were supposed to introduce anyway. At its best, this is misdirection - smoke and mirrors. At its worst, its a bribe of blood money: "would you feel better about our soldiers dying in a war to line the pockets of big oil and Halliburton if they also helped the working poor make rent?"

Haiku Report Spotlight

2007-05-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

McCain comes to work/
After forty-three missed votes/
Just to bitch and moan

HaikuReporter is now active again! I promise I won't abandon it for 10 months like last time... My goal is at least 1 news item a day. Check it out!

Movie of the week...

2007-05-18T08:53:00.001-07:00

"Four Stars! Majestic From start to finish!"

-Sean Hannity

"If you weren't a sissy like John Edwards you'd have already seen it!"

- Ann Coulter

"The perfect way to end a lazy Sunday stroll through the Baghdad Market!"

-John McCain

"God told me he will personally kick you in the stones if you don't watch this!"

-Pat Robertson

Now Playing on all screens that were originally slated to play "An Inconvenient Truth". No refunds on Admission

It'll be better in September, I promise!

2007-05-09T11:46:00.000-07:00

With all the GOP talk about giving the troop surge in Iraq until september to produce positive results or else face republicans breaking camp, I realized something:

Isn't there an anniversary or something in September that the administration can wave in the public's face to paint any opposition to the troop surge as a danger to Americans at home?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I've seen enough movies to know you don't chase the wounded enemy into an alley or ravine unless you want to fall victim to an ambush.

Do the impeachment math!

2007-05-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

Various polls indicate that around 40% or so of Americans support the impeachment of President Bush. A sampling of the reasons, taken from a popular petition, include:

Violating U.S. and international law by authorizing the torture of thousands of captives, resulting in dozens of deaths, and keeping prisoners hidden from the International Committee of the Red Cross.
Violating the United Nations Charter by launching an illegal "War of Aggression" against Iraq without cause, using fraud to sell the war to Congress and the public, misusing government funds to begin bombing without Congressional authorization, and subjecting our military personnel to unnecessary harm, debilitating injuries, and deaths.
Violating the Constitution by arbitrarily detaining Americans, legal residents, and non-Americans, without due process, without charge, and without access to counsel.
Violating the Geneva Conventions by targeting civilians, journalists, hospitals, and ambulances, and using illegal weapons, including white phosphorous, depleted uranium, and a new type of napalm.
Violating U.S. law and the Constitution through widespread wiretapping of the phone calls and emails of Americans without a warrant.
Violating the Constitution by using "signing statements" to defy hundreds of laws passed by Congress.
Violating U.S. law by using paid propaganda and disinformation, selectively and misleadingly leaking classified information, and exposing the identity of a covert CIA operative working on sensitive WMD proliferation for political retribution.
Subverting the Constitution and abusing Presidential power by asserting a "Unitary Executive Theory" giving unlimited powers to the President, by obstructing efforts by Congress and the Courts to review and restrict Presidential actions, and by promoting and signing legislation negating the Bill of Rights and the Writ of Habeas Corpus.

For purposes of comparison, Clinton was impeached with only an average of 35% approval for the following offenses:

Lying about sleeping with the chick who brings in the mail.

Will someone please explain to me how this makes any sense?

An ad for the other side...

2007-05-03T13:25:00.000-07:00

... Click to view larger

Deconstructing Giuliani

2007-03-09T08:18:00.000-08:00

Mention Rudy Giuliani to most people, and you'll hear the standard reply of "hero.. 9/11... flag... America... Freedom..." and so forth. There's talk about him being a serious Republican candidate for President.

Let's take a closer look.

Before I begin, I would like to commend Giuliani for supporting gay rights. Its the right thing to do, and not very popular with conservatives.

Thats about it for the positives, so let's move on to the negatives.

First, he's considered a hero for being the mayor of NYC on 9/11. Why? Its the same as making Bush a saint for being the President on 9/11. They were elected before it happened; its not like they knew what they were signing up for. Do they deserve a medal for not curling up in the fetal position underneath their desks, crying for their mothers? Sending the firefighters to the WTC after planes crash into it is not an awe-inspiring display of leadership and resolve: its what you're supposed to do. Furthermore, the firefighters who go into buildings are the heroes - the ones who tell them to do it are just the heroes' bosses, opposed to heroes themselves.

In addition to the logic of Giuliani being a hero for 9/11 being fuzzy, the actuality of it is that he was NOT a friend of the NYFD after 9/11. In fact, the Firefighters' Union invited every serious candidate to their bi-partisan Presidential forum- John Edwards, John McCain, Barack Obama, Chuck Hagel, Hillary Clinton, Chris Dodd, Joe Biden, Duncan Hunter and seven other candidates - EXCEPT Giuliani. That is the depth of their disdain for him. The contents of the union's letter explaining why they snubbed Giuliani are shocking. To paraphrase:

Giuliani, with the full support of his Fire Commissioner Thomas Von Essen,decided on November 2, 2001, to sharply reduce the number of those who could search for remains at any one time.
In conjunction with the cut in fire fighters allowed to search, Giulianialso made a conscious decision to institute a "scoop-and-dump" operation to expedite the clean-up of Ground Zero in lieu of the more time-consuming, but respectful, process of removing debris piece by piece in hope of uncovering more remains.
Our Local presidents at the time attempted to meet with the Mayor to stop this despicable treatment of those who perished, but he refused to even see them face-to-face.
The scoop-and-dump continued. And when hundreds of family members of the fallen joined with our affiliate leadership and members to protest Giuliani's decision, he ordered senior officers of the New York Police Department to arrest 15 of our FDNY brothers, including a number of local elected IAFF leaders.
The fact is that the Mayor's switch to a scoop-and-dump coincided with the final removal of tens of millions of dollars of gold, silver and other assets of the Bank of Nova Scotia that were buried beneath what was once the towers.

Wow. I think that will hurt his ability to wrap himself in 9/11 for his campaign, don't you? I also love how he tried to use 9/11 to justify staying in office beyond the limits of his term (it didn't work).

By itself, I believe that is sufficently damning to to torpedo his campaign. But wait, boys and girls, there's so much more!

Giuliani's first marriage was to his COUSIN and childhood sweetheart, Regina Peruggi, to whom he was married from 1969 to 1982. He had that marriage annulled when another woman caught his eye: local TV personality Donna Hanover, who became Mrs Giuliani and the mother of his children.

Eventually, Giuliani's other affairs led him to announce his intention to seek divorce (again) in a press conference WITHOUT TELLING HIS WIFE FIRST. That, my friends, is classy as hell.

Shoot, I hope he wins the Republican Primary. There's no way in a thousand hells he can stand up to the scrutiny. But if by some chance he did and actually wins, we get a pro-gay, anti-gun, pro-choice, pro-immigrant Republican President as our consolation prize. I guess worse things could happen...

We won '06, so who needs '08?

2007-02-23T08:21:00.000-08:00

Let's see, how can we possibly screw up the surge of support for the Democratic Party before we get to the Presidential election? I think I have an Idea...

How about we have the two main candidates be:

a) The most polarizing political figure of the 21st century, Hillary Clinton (guaranteed to alienate the moderate swing voters)

and

b) A generally untested newcomer who's name rhymes with Osama

(please notice that I didnt bring up the fact that ones a woman & the other's black- most of the people to whom that would be an issue are probably voting republican anyway)

God forbid we actually try to back a real candidate... hypothetically, a charismatic former senator who served on non-pork commitees like intelligence & oversight, who can get the southern vote. Oh wait... we do have that in Edwards. Not that you'd know he was running from mainstream news coverage.

Lest we forget...

2006-11-17T08:07:00.000-08:00

Trent Lott, the new Senate Minority Whip, resigned his leadership position in 2002 for statements endorsing the pro-segregationist policies of the late SC senator Strom Thurmond:

When Strom Thurmond ran for president [in 1948], we voted for him. We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years.

In case you were wondering, this was Strom's lead that Lott says we should have followed:

"And I want to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that there's not enough troops in the Army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the nigra race into our theatres, into our swimming pools, into our homes and into our churches."
"All the laws of Washington and all the bayonets of the Army cannot force the nigra into our homes, our schools, our churches."
(1948 Speech)

Here are some more choice tidbits about our new Senate Minority Whip:

In 1982, Lott voted against the extension of the Voting Rights Act, which authorizes the Justice Department to review election law changes in Mississippi and other Deep South states and to monitor elections.
In 1983, he was one of 90 House members who voted against creating a national holiday to honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Six years later, Lott was one of seven senators who voted to abolish the King holiday commission, and in 1994, he was one of 28 who favored scrapping its federal funding.
Lott was one of 34 senators who voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1990, which reversed five Supreme Court rulings that had limited the ability of minorities to win job discrimination lawsuits and damages. After President George H. W. Bush vetoed the bill, Lott voted for a different version in 1991.
And in 2001, Lott was the only senator who opposed President George W. Bush's nomination of Roger Gregory, an African-American from Virginia, to the Fourth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.
In 1999, when Lott was embroiled in another racial controversy, he had only one African-American worker, a mail clerk, out of a staff of 65.
In 1981, Lott filed a brief to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit seeking to overturn an IRS decision to deny a tax exemption to Bob Jones University because of the school's ban on interracial dating.
In 1995, Lott criticized Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-Miss.) for intervening with 39 other lawmakers to get the FBI to release documents in the 1966 death of civil rights activist Vernon Dahmer to Forrest County prosecutors.
In 1999, it was reported that Lott had spoken to and met with the segregationist Council of Concerned Citizens on a few occasions. Lott then condemned the group.
Last year, Lott and the other white members of the Mississippi congressional delegation refused an entreaty from former Netscape president James Barksdale to declare that they would vote in favor of a statewide referendum to remove the Confederate emblem from the state flag. The proposal lost.

This is who the Republicans picked as their face in their effort to re-energize their base. Like John McCain said:

We lost our principles and our majority. And there is no way to recover our majority without recovering our principles first."

I have to say: good job on recovering the Republican principle of blind hate. That is, after all, what most of your die-hard constituents count on you for: keeping the nigras, fags, and mexicans in their place. You just got too preoccupied with war profiteering to remember that.

Why am I writing about this? Because you sure as hell won't hear about it on TV. It seems that Sen. Lott is getting a whitewash about his white supremacy. Here's bowtie-sporting boob Tucker Carlson's hard-hitting expose:

In the meantime, guess what? Another Republican is making a huge comeback. Remember Senator Trent Lott? Yeah, well, he used to be the majority leader, and then he ran into a little difficulty, but now, he's making a comeback. He is putting his name out there against Lamar Alexander of Tennessee for the minority whip position. Now, some are very surprised by the fact that he's trying to make this sort of a comeback. But it looks like he may, in fact, have enough votes to overtake Alexander for this position.

Way to go, Tucker! Hard as nails, that guy...
So yeah, if people like me don't raise the issue, you'll never hear about it.

Ding dong! the witch is dead (or gravely wounded, at least)

2006-11-08T11:00:00.000-08:00

The Dems take the house, the majority of governorships, the senate once Virginia calls it - AND Rumsfeld steps down? Holy fucking shit! I'd type more, but I'm too busy doing cartwheels.

And thus the light at the end of the tunnel appears...

Yet ANOTHER dirty trick...

2006-11-06T06:24:00.000-08:00

Republicans obviously don't want voters to vote their conscience or vote the issues - after all, they want to win. Hence the following scheme: setting up automated calls to voters, especially those on the 'do not call' list, and having them begin as follows:

Hi, I have an important message from [Democratic Candidate name here]

Obviously, most people hang up as soon as they hear that, with a bitter taste in their mouths over the Democratic candidate. If they kept listening they would have heard an attack on the Democratic candidate's positions. To make matters worse, they set these automated calls up to repeatedly call in order to further irritate voters.

Just what we've come to expect from the party of honesty and values, huh?

All 4 branches of the military in unison: Rumsfeld must go

2006-11-04T12:16:00.000-08:00

In a rare joint editorial to appear monday in the Army Times, Marine Corps Times, Navy Times, and Air Force Times, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld's Resignation is called for:

Time for Rumsfeld to go

"So long as our government requires the backing of an aroused and informed public opinion ... it is necessary to tell the hard bruising truth."

That statement was written by Pulitzer Prize-winning war correspondent Marguerite Higgins more than a half-century ago during the Korean War.

But until recently, the "hard bruising" truth about the Iraq war has been difficult to come by from leaders in Washington. One rosy reassurance after another has been handed down by President Bush, Vice President Cheney and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld: "mission accomplished," the insurgency is "in its last throes," and "back off," we know what we're doing, are a few choice examples.

Military leaders generally toed the line, although a few retired generals eventually spoke out from the safety of the sidelines, inciting criticism equally from anti-war types, who thought they should have spoken out while still in uniform, and pro-war foes, who thought the generals should have kept their critiques behind closed doors.

Now, however, a new chorus of criticism is beginning to resonate. Active-duty military leaders are starting to voice misgivings about the war's planning, execution and dimming prospects for success.

Army Gen. John Abizaid, chief of U.S. Central Command, told a Senate Armed Services Committee in September: "I believe that the sectarian violence is probably as bad as I've seen it ... and that if not stopped, it is possible that Iraq could move towards civil war."

Last week, someone leaked to The New York Times a Central Command briefing slide showing an assessment that the civil conflict in Iraq now borders on "critical" and has been sliding toward "chaos" for most of the past year. The strategy in Iraq has been to train an Iraqi army and police force that could gradually take over for U.S. troops in providing for the security of their new government and their nation.

But despite the best efforts of American trainers, the problem of molding a viciously sectarian population into anything resembling a force for national unity has become a losing proposition.

For two years, American sergeants, captains and majors training the Iraqis have told their bosses that Iraqi troops have no sense of national identity, are only in it for the money, don't show up for duty and cannot sustain themselves.

Meanwhile, colonels and generals have asked their bosses for more troops. Service chiefs have asked for more money.

And all along, Rumsfeld has assured us that things are well in hand.

Now, the president says he'll stick with Rumsfeld for the balance of his term in the White House.

This is a mistake.

It is one thing for the majority of Americans to think Rumsfeld has failed. But when the nation's current military leaders start to break publicly with their defense secretary, then it is clear that he is losing control of the institution he ostensibly leads.

These officers have been loyal public promoters of a war policy many privately feared would fail. They have kept their counsel private, adhering to more than two centuries of American tradition of subordination of the military to civilian authority.

And although that tradition, and the officers' deep sense of honor, prevent them from saying this publicly, more and more of them believe it.

Rumsfeld has lost credibility with the uniformed leadership, with the troops, with Congress and with the public at large. His strategy has failed, and his ability to lead is compromised. And although the blame for our failures in Iraq rests with the secretary, it will be the troops who bear its brunt.

This is not about the midterm elections. Regardless of which party wins Nov. 7, the time has come, Mr. President, to face the hard bruising truth:

Donald Rumsfeld must go.

This is not a bunch of liberals trying to "cut and run" - this is ALL FOUR BRANCHES OF THE MILITARY SAYING THE SAME THING!! How much clearer does it have to get before conservatives join us in demanding his resignation?

Thanks to Bluegrass Report & Daily Kos.

Taking the military back...

2006-11-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

I found this extremely interesting: Out of the dozen Iraq War veterans currently running for Congress, a whopping TEN are running as Democrats (that means only two Iraq veterans are running as Republicans, for those of you who are math-impaired). Wow. That means five times as many veteran candidates are aligned with the Democratic Party than the Republican Party.

But how can this be? The Republicans claim to be the party that represents the military - after all, who coined the phrase "defeatocrat"? Who's been advocating that we should "stay the course" and not "cut and run"? What are these veterans thinking? Here are my three guesses for the Democrat's lead in veteran candidates:

The situation in Iraq is so doomed to failure that out of all the Iraq veterans in a position to run for public office, those who are Democrats feel the need to speak out against the Bush Administrations handling of the war, while most Republican-leaning vets are having a hard time trumpeting the mantra of "stay the course"
Most modern Republicans who'd ever be in a position to run for office would never actually serve in the military to begin with.

Just remember that ratio: 5 to 1. Think about that the next time the Republicans, a party led by:

A President who only served 4 years out of 6 in the Texas air national guard
A Vice-President who received several draft deferments to avoid Vietnam
A speaker of the House, a Senate Majority leader, a House Majority Whip and a Senate Majority Whip who DID NOT SERVE IN THE MILITARY

a party that forced a resolution through the house budget committee to take $844 million out of funding for veterans' medical care, try to wrap themselves in the flag and claim that voting FOR Democrats is voting AGAINST the military.

Bald Eagle Burgers, Anyone?

2006-10-30T12:17:00.000-08:00

Quick little factoid:
Because of the Interior Department being run by the far right, which favors industry over the environment, a total of only 56 species have been listed under the Endangered Species Act during the Bush Administration- a rate of only 10 per year. In contrast, 512 species were listed during the Clinton Administration, which comes out to 64 a year.

What's that you say? Clinton is a commie liberal fucktard who listed so many species because he's a treehugger? Alright, then: explain why George Bush SENIOR's administration listed 234 species, a rate of 59 a year. Maybe Bush Sr. is a treehugger, too. Or maybe, just maybe, the current administration is that out of touch with the real world.

Stupid Picture: Fox News

2006-10-29T10:31:00.000-08:00

Haiku News: 10/28/06

2006-10-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

Katrina Victims /
will be billed for back taxes /
after elections

Coincidentally, /
Iraq Study Group Report /
Is also delayed

Worst Congress ever?

2006-10-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

Rolling stone magazine has done a wonderful job compiling all the things that are wrong with our current congress into one tidy bit of reading.

If you are a diehard republican who truly believes that G.W. is the anointed lamb of God leading us on a holy crusade against the forces of evil, you probably won't be happy with what you read. Democrats aren't exactly safe here either, but considering the fact that they don't control anything in DC at the moment, their blame is lessened.

I won't repeat the whole article, but here are a few choice tidbits:

This congress has worked even less than the notorious "do nothing" congress of 1948. Some of these days, that they count as having worked, they met for all of 5 minutes for attendance purposes.
Republican committee members literally hid from their democratic counterparts to decide legislation
Republican congressmen issued over 1,000 subpoenas to investigate alleged administration and Democratic misconduct during the Clinton years - for things as trivial as the alleged misuse of his Christmas card list, yet have not issued a single one during the Bush Administration over things such as the Katrina response, false pre-war claims, etc.

If you're interested, read the article. If you're outraged, vote!

Haiku News:10/27/06

2006-10-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

The 1st Amendment/
now applies only to those/
who support George Bush.

read more here

Haiku News: 10/26/06

2006-10-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

The Border Fence Bill:/
A way to attract voters/
with empty gestures.

Movie Trailer parodies

2006-10-24T21:22:00.000-07:00

Ten Things I Hate About Commandments
Moses and crew get an 80's Teen Remix

Must Love Jaws
We all knew Jaws just needed some love!

Shining
A Heartwarming tale of a writer, a boy, and a motel...

Actor -Turned - Musician Roundup

2006-10-24T18:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, being a famous movie star means you are multi-talented. Sometimes, being a famous movie star means that nobody will tell you when your music's bad. Here are some of the most memorable multi-taskers:

Don Johnson: Heartbeat
Yes, Sonny Crocket from Miami Vice thought he had the goods musically. No, he was not right. Listen for yourself, and see if this gem stands the test of time:

David Hasseloff: Looking for Freedom
Before he made bad music in Germany, he was mangling songs right here in the good ol' U S of A. Enjoy the cheesy knight-Rider Jumps.

jared leto - Brand New Name (30 seconds to mars)
If you're a chick, you know him from "My So-Called Life". If you're a dude, you know him as the blond guy who got his face fucked up in "Fight Club". You might not like modern rock, but you gotta admit it's in a better class than the last two.

Patrick Swayze: She's Like the Wind
You saw him rip out a guy's windpipe in "Road House" - then he wrote a song to make you appreciate the irony of him keeping his.

Eddie Murphy: Party all the Time
I don't care if it does have Rick James, Bitch! It's still representative of all that is wrong and unholy

Steven Seagal - Girl it's Alright
When I found out Steven Seagal made an album, I thought I had found the perfect, cheesy no-talent ending to this list - for fuck's sake, it's Steven Seagal! Imagine my surprise when I discovered It's not half-bad. It's not really my musical cup of tea, but it has a laid-back feel, Santana-esque guitar, and his voice actually sounded pretty decent. Who woulda thunk?!?

Come on - add to the list if other actor/singer's come to mind. Except J-Lo. That's just too damn easy.

Truly the coolest thing ever!

2006-10-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

The dude's name is erik mongrain. I'm amazed that he can make such sounds from a simple acoustic guitar.

Profiles in Cheese: Showdown

2006-09-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

Showdown:
1993, starring Billy Blanks
Yes, that's the Billy Blanks of Tae-bo fame. Combine that with an unapologetic Karate-Kid rip-off plotline, cliche characters and laughably bad dialogue, and you have acheived a perfect storm of cheesiness.
The movie starts with a (seriously) 5-minute long segment of bad music-driven titles and doesn't let up from there. This movie contains:

Cop's fall from grace over guilt from an accidental self-defense killing
New kid at California High School has trouble "Learning the Ropes"
New kid falls for nice, pretty girl
Girl has a controlling ass of a boyfriend
He just happens to be a Karate warrior, too - a baaad one
New Kid totally gets is ass kicked
Cop, now the High School janitor, trains new kid in Karate
An unexpected friendship blossoms
After only 2 weeks of training, new kid can beat the asshole boyfriend who has had years of intense training
Nice girl gets with new kid. How nice can she be if she goes for the biggest asskicker?

Cheese Level: Havarti

Exit, Stage Left:: the Sequel

2006-08-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

After having planned the minute details of my suicide, I decided to focus my energies on my funeral. Unfortunately, I cannot decide between my final 2 ideas:

To have my corpse wired with animatronics - you know, like those creepy ass talking puppets at Disney World. I figure I could be wired to sit up in my coffin right before the preacher finishes speaking. It would be nice to say some words on my own behalf. Perhaps I could be wired to point at the person implicated from my suicide plans and say "HIM..."
Pinata Party! The way I look at it, there's never anything for the kids to do at funerals - and as anyone who's ever talked to a soccer mom for more than 5 minutes knows, it's all about the children. I'll have my body stuffed in a pinata(I might have my body dismembered for an easier fit - I'll experiment first), which will hang over my cemetary plot; once the kids break the pinata, I'll fall into my resting place as a mexican trumpet solo breaks out. Not a dry eye in the house.

Haiku News: 8/6/06

2006-08-06T18:58:00.000-07:00

Doctored News Photos? /
We expect better from you, /
Muslim extremists.

Exit, Stage Left

2006-08-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

Good news: I've planned my suicide.

Don't worry - I'm not about to kill myself or anything; I just happen to like having contingency plans for whatever life may bring. Be prepared, I say.

Anyways, back to the plan. I'll leave a simple note - "goodbye, cruel world!" or something to that effect. The kicker is that I'll hold a key in the hand that wasn't busy, well, killing myself. Naturally, the authorities will investigate the key. This key will lead them to a safe deposit box at a local bank, in which they'll find a videotape. This videotape will be of me, saying that if they found this tape I must be dead; and if I'm dead, a certain person is responsible, no matter how bad it may look.

I'm not going to ruin all the fun and say who I will frame, or when. Gotta have some fun with it.

Haiku News: 8/05/06

2006-08-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

Republicans think: /
Where to hide Estate-Tax cut? /
Minimum Wage Bill!

Haiku News: 8/04/06

2006-08-04T18:52:00.000-07:00

Global warming scare? /
The hottest year on record /
was 1930.

Haiku News: 8/3/06

2006-08-03T15:51:00.000-07:00

Mid-East escalates. /
Iraqi civil war looms. /
Bush takes vacation.

News Haiku: 7/29/06

2006-07-29T18:45:00.000-07:00

"Passion of the Christ"
was enough for me to know
Mel Gibson hates Jews.

News Haiku: 7/27/06

2006-07-27T15:48:00.000-07:00

N-SYNC guy is gay, /
Tour de France champ's on steroids. /
this is shocking how?

Long Time No See...

2006-07-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who hates it when you bump into someone you haven't seen in years? I'm not talking about your former best-friends or anything, either; I'm talking about acquaintances, like the guy who had the locker beside yours in your sophomore year of high school or that shady kid you used to work with 10 years back (you know, the one who tells you his 'humorous' breaking & entering anecdote right before he asks directions to your house for the party you didn't want him to know you were having).

You always see them first, too; at the mall or an outdoor concert, about 30 feet away. You can't help but to look at them for a lingering moment, "is that who I think it... SHIT!". Usually, this happens to be the time they turn and look directly at you. No escape now, time for EXCITING SUPER-FUN SMALL TALK! You Take the lead:

"Hey!."(fake intensity)
"Hi."
"It's Been a while!"(if only it was a little while longer...)
"Yes, it has."
(insert introductions of other people in both groups here)
"Have you seen (insert mutual acquaintance here) lately?" (if I cared, I'd have seen them lately myself)
"Yes, Mutual Acquaintance is brief summary of mutual friends marital status, location of residence & employment"
-OR-
"No, not for a while, (response question about other mutual acquaintance)"
(Answer to their mutual acquaintance question)

Now comes the endgame. The trick is to wrap up this little slow, painful death of a conversation without giving up:

1. A phone number. You obviously don't really care to have this person back in your life, or else you would have kept in touch with them. Besides, do you really want to invite the chance of more conversations as excruciating as this one? The only upside is the small sliver of hope that they might just be asking to be polite- because, let's face it, they haven't really tried to track you down either.
2. Your email. This is the kiss of death. Unlike a phone call, which takes them more time & requires more commitment, any jackass can put you in their address book. I mean, they're doing you a favor, right? Forwarding you all those funny lawyer jokes & inspirational messages? How could they in good conscience not let you in on a surefire way to GET RICH QUICK!!!
3. A commitment to get together some time. This one isn't too bad, or in any way binding you to an actual future meeting with them- it's just hard for me, personally, not to grimace at myself while the lies slither off my tongue like snakes.

Then you say goodbye, part ways, and you silently kick yourself while making a mental note to move out-of state. And can you believe we actually look forward to our high school reunion?

My Biggest Pet Peeve

2006-06-12T11:17:00.000-07:00

People who give a yes or no answer to a multiple choice question.

"Did you drive, fly or walk to your mom's house for the holidays?"

"yes."

What the hell are these people thinking? When they were in school, did they do this on their test? Because I can't imagine it passing then, and it sure as shit does not pass now.

McDumb

2006-05-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

I hate when I go to a fast food place & try to place an order, but I have to deal with a zombie cashier with absolutely no capacity for critical thought:

"I'd like an order of fries with a small drink, please"
"I'm sorry, but we only have medium, large and extra large drinks, sir..."

At this point, after I silently count to 10, I wonder if I have to break out a chalkboard to explain to this asshole that just becuase mcMarketing decided to shake things up by changing the names of the sizes to appeal to the hip extreme crowd, or whoever's ass the media is kissing this week, the smallest of the available sizes is still the friggin' small. I know they have to follow the hip new mcLingo or else they'll have to be bonded into wage slavery with some other soulless corporation, seriously straining their weekly weed budget, but for god's sake: THINK!

I also hate it when I go somewhere to get beer (would you believe that dealing with society drives me to drink? go figure...) & the only ID available is my US Passport. This just makes the cashier nine kinds of flustered:

"I'm sorry, but we only accept driver's licenses and military I.D.'s"
"No, you accept this, too. This will get me into any country in the world. This can get me inside an American Embassy anywhere in the world. This is acceptable I.D. to get a job anywhere in the country, and is pretty hard to fake. It sure as shit can get me a 6-pack."
"Maybe I should get a manager..."

Maybe I Should Get A Manager... That is mcZombie for "Does not compute". You have deviated from the script. This was not covered in the manual. Now a manager must be summoned, because none of the peasants are allowed the luxury of free thought.

Speaking of buying beer, in the south you can not buy beer on sundays! It's happened to me before. I tried to tell them that it was okay to sell it to me since I wasn't a christian, but that didn't fly.

And your Little Dog, too!

2006-05-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

I have a serious problem with Scooby-Doo. And all his half-wit friends.
I know you think I must be twisted to hold a grudge against cartoon characters, but I do. My soul darkens with a special brand of loathing whenever I see or hear them.
Here's why:

The complete lack of critical thinking. Put yourself in their shoes: if your last 2,176 cases culminated with you pulling a monster mask off the head of some toothless, spiteful old codger, why in the name of Christ on a pogo stick would you run in fear from the current toothless, spiteful old codger in a monster mask? I don't care if they have a mobile meth lab in the back of that van - If you can teach a dog to talk, you can recognize a simple pattern.
On the note of pattern recognition, surely I am not the only person to notice that the villain is always the first person introduced by the friend who invited them to the haunted amusement park/ cursed motel / eeeevil factory. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME! For just once, I'd like to see the celebrity guest be the criminal.
DICK CLARK IS THE EVIL GHOST BUNNY?!? WHY, DICK, WHY?

ratings... slipping... wanted to stay young... needed fresh souls....

Now that would be worthwhile programming. As it is, I'd say hit the first new non-celebrity you meet over the head with a steel pipe, search the guy's room for the secret entrance to the evil lair, find the kidnap victim/ stolen money & call it a day.

Speaking of cartoon dogs.... am I the only person who finds it weird that Goofy is a dog who owns property, wears clothes & eats dinner with his buddy Mickey Mouse - who just happens to have another dog, Pluto, naked & chained to a shack out back where he is forced to subsist on a diet of scraps?

Fun at Work

2006-03-26T11:21:00.000-08:00

Sneak into your boss's office, find his or her stack of business cards, write colorful messages on the back of a handful of them, & shuffle them back into the stack. Examples include:

"I'm not wearing underpants"
"Don't really call me - I'm just handing these out to look busy"
"50% discount to all N.A.M.B.L.A. members"

I hope it goes without saying to disguise your handwriting.

I'm.. hehe.. sorry

2006-03-09T11:23:00.000-08:00

Have you ever, while someone told you a really sad personal story, thought about how inappropriate it would be to laugh while they were telling it? What sucks is that picturing the fallout from that scenario...

"You sick bastard! How can you laugh at the fact that my grandmother was killed & eaten by a deranged scoutmaster!"

...Is actually somewhat funny. Which means that you have to try not to laugh, lest the scenario you were just envisioning become true. Unfortunately, I can never stop myself from going down that mental road. However, I can now take comfort in the fact that you won't be able to anymore either.

The Dark Side of Science

2006-02-22T12:19:00.000-08:00

I was reading about time travel the other day because, well, I'm somewhat of a dork; one of the predominant theories is that there are an infinite number of parallel universes in which all possible outcomes of all possible events exist. This made me feel good, because I realized that somewhere out in the midst of those parallel universes, I'll finish this entry, hop in my dodge viper and go on a day trip to the beach house. But then I also realized that there is another parallel universe in which I finish this entry, put on a pink bunny suit, hijack a short bus, castrate a clergyman and set myself on fire in the women's undergarments section at walmart.

Guidelines for the Socially Retarded

2006-02-07T12:20:00.000-08:00

This is for all of you out there who have absolutely no clue about how you should interact with other human beings. I'm not talking about the fancy stuffed-shirt social pomp & circumstance that those pampered baby-boomers who wish to look refined would call etiquette; you can stab yourself in the eye with the shrimp fork for all I care. I'm talking about the things you must do to keep from being lynched, ostracize or otherwise penalized for your social incompetence. For the love of Christ, PAY ATTENTION:

Regarding conversation: If someone tells you an amusing / sad/ unfair story about a past experience of theirs, and you have a past story that is more amusing /sad/ unfair, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Especially don't say, "that's nothing - wait til you hear this..."
Driving: If you find that you were on the far right lane & need to turn left, or vice versa, you are not important enough to stop your car & hold up traffic until you get a clear shot across lanes. You keep driving until you can turn around, & make a mental note to watch where you're going in the future. You are not so special that 25 other people should give up 30 seconds of their time in order to save you a minute and a half.
Conversation revisited: When telling a story to people, remember that if the person doesn't know who you're talking about, don't voice your internal monologue about the trivial details - "and on the way to carl's house.. No, wait, I think we were going to Kelly's at that point because we already got the pizza, and that means we already passed carl's...." I can tell you right now that the rest of your story would go just as well, be it on the way to carl's or Kelly's. Oh, and no one gives a rat's ass.
Public restrooms: the ladies might operate by a different code than us gents so I won't presume to speak for them on this. Guys: if you are sitting in a bathroom stall, there is absolutely, without question, no valid reason to start up a conversation with the person in the adjacent stall. Unless you're out of paper.
Dreams: Unless your winkies & hoo-hoos touch regularly, you are not to force a person to listen to you talk about your dreams.

But She has a Nice Personality!

2006-01-29T12:21:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of all this complaining about how we're a society that judges others on their looks. Of course we judge people by their looks! You hear all these ugly people talk about how they just want a man/woman to see beyond their appearance and appreciate their inner beauty. What a line of shit - what they really mean is that they want someone better looking to be attracted to them. Obviously, someone of equal (un)attractiveness could be with them without this appreciation for "inner beauty", but they're not interested in discovering the "inner beauty" in someone else of their place (or lower!) on the 10-point scale. Like all those bullshit teen love movies about how the high-school nerd gets the captain of the cheerleading squad after she falls in love with his quirky sense of humor. I'll let you in on something: he does get the cheerleading captain - 15 years later, after he gets his software patent(money, the great equalizer). And after she spent her high-school and college years dating the quarterback.

The reason why we want an attractive mate: genetics. We want to have a good-looking mate so we can have good-looking children, who'll either:

Mate with good-looking people & produce good-looking grand-children, or
Become trophy spouses to less attractive people with money, producing moderately attractive grand-children with material advantages that enable them to secure a mate with even more desireable genetic material, resulting in uber-great-grandchildren

That's just the way it is. Personality & intelligence count to a degree - most people would prefer a likeable, intelligent '8' over an idiotic, bitchy '10'. Furthermore, there's nothing wrong with being unattractive - hell, embrace it! Think about how much time each day you'll save by not having to primp. Find someone of equal looks, love them for who they are, and be happy! Don't write in to extreme makeover about how you need facial reconstruction and a set of pec implants or fake boobs to be a worthwhile person.

Cause of Death?

2005-11-26T12:24:00.000-08:00

Here's something to chew on:
Imagine that, for some reason, someone tied cinder blocks to your feet and threw you to the bottom of an empty pool. You look up to find that this someone has a truck full of water, and a truck full of sand. If they dump the water into the pool you would die by drowning, right? If they were to dump the sand into the pool instead, you would die by suffocation. What if they dumped half and half? Where is the threshold where if you add more sand you'd suffocate instead of drown? I've done this experiment on at least a dozen winos, and I still don't know for sure; but I can tell you that it's somewhere in the 45-55% sand range...

Parenting Tips...

2005-10-16T12:26:00.000-07:00

Dress up as Santa and go to the mall. Wait until you have a sizeable entourage of rugrats, at which point you rip off your beard and loudly proclaim, “THERE IS NO SANTA!” Run towards the nearest exit.

I always wanted to download the Ice Cream truck music off the internet, and blast it as I drive down the road. Nothing like good music and the faces of disappointed children.

Scary as it may seem, I am now a parent myself. I can’t wait until my oldest child comes home from school to see me in the back yard filling a hole with dirt.
”daddy, what happened?”
”I bought you that puppy you always wanted, but mommy killed it”

Flying, or, an Analysis of Human Nature

2005-09-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

To begin with, why are airlines compelled to distribute peanuts, which are essentially small packages of concentrated thirst, a full ten minutes before serving beverages? I think because they can.

My main gripe, however, is with my fellow passengers. When flying on Southwest, there are no assigned seats; the passengers form a line and board the plane, sitting where they please. In a polite society, this line could go to the back of the plane and start at the rear most seats, thereby allowing everyone to quickly be seated, as no one would block the progress of the passenger behind them in line. Unfortunately, people suck. The first person in line will take the very front seat, making everyone behind them wait while he stows his baggage and gets situated. Then, the second person takes the very next seat. Excruciatingly slow progress is made this way, but why should they care? I mean, they were first after all, so the needs of the crowd behind them don't matter. The ultimate irony is that they are trying to save time on getting off the aircraft, and the combined line wait for all these jackasses to find a seat is by far more than the time saved.

Personally, I think a big point of operating in a polite society is to consider the relative weight of your time versus the time of others. If all men are equal, than the value of each person's time is equal, making it rude to make someone else wait for 2 minutes to save yourself 20 seconds. Then, you have to multiply the wait by the number of people: making 100 people wait for 20 seconds each has just caused a combined 33 minutes of inconvenience (this officially makes you an inconsiderate asshole, by the way).

If everybody quit trying to be first all the damn time, you'd begin to notice something: while you might not be the first person there, odds are you'd get there in about the same time, and a lot less stressfully.