Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Guidelines for the Socially Retarded

This is for all of you out there who have absolutely no clue about how you should interact with other human beings. I'm not talking about the fancy stuffed-shirt social pomp & circumstance that those pampered baby-boomers who wish to look refined would call etiquette; you can stab yourself in the eye with the shrimp fork for all I care. I'm talking about the things you must do to keep from being lynched, ostracize or otherwise penalized for your social incompetence. For the love of Christ, PAY ATTENTION:

  1. Regarding conversation: If someone tells you an amusing / sad/ unfair story about a past experience of theirs, and you have a past story that is more amusing /sad/ unfair, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Especially don't say, "that's nothing - wait til you hear this..."
  2. Driving: If you find that you were on the far right lane & need to turn left, or vice versa, you are not important enough to stop your car & hold up traffic until you get a clear shot across lanes. You keep driving until you can turn around, & make a mental note to watch where you're going in the future. You are not so special that 25 other people should give up 30 seconds of their time in order to save you a minute and a half.
  3. Conversation revisited: When telling a story to people, remember that if the person doesn't know who you're talking about, don't voice your internal monologue about the trivial details - "and on the way to carl's house.. No, wait, I think we were going to Kelly's at that point because we already got the pizza, and that means we already passed carl's...." I can tell you right now that the rest of your story would go just as well, be it on the way to carl's or Kelly's. Oh, and no one gives a rat's ass.
  4. Public restrooms: the ladies might operate by a different code than us gents so I won't presume to speak for them on this. Guys: if you are sitting in a bathroom stall, there is absolutely, without question, no valid reason to start up a conversation with the person in the adjacent stall. Unless you're out of paper.
  5. Dreams: Unless your winkies & hoo-hoos touch regularly, you are not to force a person to listen to you talk about your dreams.

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