Headline from the near future

President Bush Suspends Elections
March 12, 2008

President Bush announced today that with the compromise legislation passed by congress this morning, elections are officially suspended and also instituted a moratorium on term limits in order to successfully pursue the war on terror.

"To broadcast to our enemies a date at which they will face an America with a commander-in-chief less steadfast than myself is nothing short of raising the white flag of surrender. This would embolden Al-Qaeda," he stated. "It is hard for me to cancel these elections, but war is hard, and freedom demands sacrifice"

Congressional Democrats reluctantly caved after initial legislation requiring a set date on which to hold the next presidential election was vetoed on the grounds that it would hurt our troops in the field. Sources on the hill claim Democratic leaders agreed to this in order to avoid being labeled 'soft on terror'.

Majority Leader Harry Reid stated, "Although we are ultimately unhappy with this legislation, we do feel that this compromise is a small step in the right direction. We have made the president commit to important benchmarks, including not being able to appoint a family member as his successor and refusing the title of Emperor" He also publicly put questions of impeachment to rest. "We might disagree with the President, but we support our troops and do not desire to complicate operations in the field. Impeachment is off the table."

Privately, democratic leaders believe this move will shave another 2% off Bush's approval rating, taking him down to 28%; they hope the presidents' unpopularity will help a Democrat take over the office when elections are scheduled to resume sometime after 2018.

A recent poll indicated that 35% of Americans disapproved of the president's decision, 25% approved, and 40% wanted to get off the phone because American Idol was on.

The many faces of our Glorious Leader

HaikuReporter.com spotlight

Bird does to George Bush /
as he has done to progress /
for the past few years.

Movie of the week...

"Four Stars! Majestic From start to finish!"

-Sean Hannity

"If you weren't a sissy like John Edwards you'd have already seen it!"

- Ann Coulter

"The perfect way to end a lazy Sunday stroll through the Baghdad Market!"

-John McCain

"God told me he will personally kick you in the stones if you don't watch this!"

-Pat Robertson

Now Playing on all screens that were originally slated to play "An Inconvenient Truth". No refunds on Admission

Do the impeachment math!

Various polls indicate that around 40% or so of Americans support the impeachment of President Bush. A sampling of the reasons, taken from a popular petition, include:

• Violating U.S. and international law by authorizing the torture of thousands of captives, resulting in dozens of deaths, and keeping prisoners hidden from the International Committee of the Red Cross.
• Violating the United Nations Charter by launching an illegal "War of Aggression" against Iraq without cause, using fraud to sell the war to Congress and the public, misusing government funds to begin bombing without Congressional authorization, and subjecting our military personnel to unnecessary harm, debilitating injuries, and deaths.
• Violating the Constitution by arbitrarily detaining Americans, legal residents, and non-Americans, without due process, without charge, and without access to counsel.
• Violating the Geneva Conventions by targeting civilians, journalists, hospitals, and ambulances, and using illegal weapons, including white phosphorous, depleted uranium, and a new type of napalm.
• Violating U.S. law and the Constitution through widespread wiretapping of the phone calls and emails of Americans without a warrant.
• Violating the Constitution by using "signing statements" to defy hundreds of laws passed by Congress.
• Violating U.S. law by using paid propaganda and disinformation, selectively and misleadingly leaking classified information, and exposing the identity of a covert CIA operative working on sensitive WMD proliferation for political retribution.
• Subverting the Constitution and abusing Presidential power by asserting a "Unitary Executive Theory" giving unlimited powers to the President, by obstructing efforts by Congress and the Courts to review and restrict Presidential actions, and by promoting and signing legislation negating the Bill of Rights and the Writ of Habeas Corpus.

For purposes of comparison, Clinton was impeached with only an average of 35% approval for the following offenses:

• Lying about sleeping with the chick who brings in the mail.
  

Will someone please explain to me how this makes any sense?

Bald Eagle Burgers, Anyone?

Quick little factoid:
Because of the Interior Department being run by the far right, which favors industry over the environment, a total of only 56 species have been listed under the Endangered Species Act during the Bush Administration- a rate of only 10 per year. In contrast, 512 species were listed during the Clinton Administration, which comes out to 64 a year.

What's that you say? Clinton is a commie liberal fucktard who listed so many species because he's a treehugger? Alright, then: explain why George Bush SENIOR's administration listed 234 species, a rate of 59 a year. Maybe Bush Sr. is a treehugger, too. Or maybe, just maybe, the current administration is that out of touch with the real world.

Haiku News: 8/3/06

Mid-East escalates. /
Iraqi civil war looms. /
Bush takes vacation.