Long Time No See...

Am I the only one who hates it when you bump into someone you haven't seen in years? I'm not talking about your former best-friends or anything, either; I'm talking about acquaintances, like the guy who had the locker beside yours in your sophomore year of high school or that shady kid you used to work with 10 years back (you know, the one who tells you his 'humorous' breaking & entering anecdote right before he asks directions to your house for the party you didn't want him to know you were having).

You always see them first, too; at the mall or an outdoor concert, about 30 feet away. You can't help but to look at them for a lingering moment, "is that who I think it... SHIT!". Usually, this happens to be the time they turn and look directly at you. No escape now, time for EXCITING SUPER-FUN SMALL TALK! You Take the lead:

"Hey!."(fake intensity)
"Hi."
"It's Been a while!"(if only it was a little while longer...)
"Yes, it has."
(insert introductions of other people in both groups here)
"Have you seen (insert mutual acquaintance here) lately?" (if I cared, I'd have seen them lately myself)
"Yes, Mutual Acquaintance is brief summary of mutual friends marital status, location of residence & employment"
-OR-
"No, not for a while, (response question about other mutual acquaintance)"
(Answer to their mutual acquaintance question)


Now comes the endgame. The trick is to wrap up this little slow, painful death of a conversation without giving up:

1. A phone number. You obviously don't really care to have this person back in your life, or else you would have kept in touch with them. Besides, do you really want to invite the chance of more conversations as excruciating as this one? The only upside is the small sliver of hope that they might just be asking to be polite- because, let's face it, they haven't really tried to track you down either.
2. Your email. This is the kiss of death. Unlike a phone call, which takes them more time & requires more commitment, any jackass can put you in their address book. I mean, they're doing you a favor, right? Forwarding you all those funny lawyer jokes & inspirational messages? How could they in good conscience not let you in on a surefire way to GET RICH QUICK!!!
3. A commitment to get together some time. This one isn't too bad, or in any way binding you to an actual future meeting with them- it's just hard for me, personally, not to grimace at myself while the lies slither off my tongue like snakes.

Then you say goodbye, part ways, and you silently kick yourself while making a mental note to move out-of state. And can you believe we actually look forward to our high school reunion?

My Biggest Pet Peeve

People who give a yes or no answer to a multiple choice question.

"Did you drive, fly or walk to your mom's house for the holidays?"

"yes."

What the hell are these people thinking? When they were in school, did they do this on their test? Because I can't imagine it passing then, and it sure as shit does not pass now.

McDumb

I hate when I go to a fast food place & try to place an order, but I have to deal with a zombie cashier with absolutely no capacity for critical thought:

"I'd like an order of fries with a small drink, please"

"I'm sorry, but we only have medium, large and extra large drinks, sir..."

At this point, after I silently count to 10, I wonder if I have to break out a chalkboard to explain to this asshole that just becuase mcMarketing decided to shake things up by changing the names of the sizes to appeal to the hip extreme crowd, or whoever's ass the media is kissing this week, the smallest of the available sizes is still the friggin' small. I know they have to follow the hip new mcLingo or else they'll have to be bonded into wage slavery with some other soulless corporation, seriously straining their weekly weed budget, but for god's sake: THINK!

I also hate it when I go somewhere to get beer (would you believe that dealing with society drives me to drink? go figure...) & the only ID available is my US Passport. This just makes the cashier nine kinds of flustered:

"I'm sorry, but we only accept driver's licenses and military I.D.'s"

"No, you accept this, too. This will get me into any country in the world. This can get me inside an American Embassy anywhere in the world. This is acceptable I.D. to get a job anywhere in the country, and is pretty hard to fake. It sure as shit can get me a 6-pack."

"Maybe I should get a manager..."

Maybe I Should Get A Manager... That is mcZombie for "Does not compute". You have deviated from the script. This was not covered in the manual. Now a manager must be summoned, because none of the peasants are allowed the luxury of free thought.

Speaking of buying beer, in the south you can not buy beer on sundays! It's happened to me before. I tried to tell them that it was okay to sell it to me since I wasn't a christian, but that didn't fly.

And your Little Dog, too!

I have a serious problem with Scooby-Doo. And all his half-wit friends.
I know you think I must be twisted to hold a grudge against cartoon characters, but I do. My soul darkens with a special brand of loathing whenever I see or hear them.
Here's why:

1. The complete lack of critical thinking. Put yourself in their shoes: if your last 2,176 cases culminated with you pulling a monster mask off the head of some toothless, spiteful old codger, why in the name of Christ on a pogo stick would you run in fear from the current toothless, spiteful old codger in a monster mask? I don't care if they have a mobile meth lab in the back of that van - If you can teach a dog to talk, you can recognize a simple pattern.
2. On the note of pattern recognition, surely I am not the only person to notice that the villain is always the first person introduced by the friend who invited them to the haunted amusement park/ cursed motel / eeeevil factory. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME! For just once, I'd like to see the celebrity guest be the criminal.
   

   DICK CLARK IS THE EVIL GHOST BUNNY?!? WHY, DICK, WHY?
   
   ratings... slipping... wanted to stay young... needed fresh souls....
   

   
   

Now that would be worthwhile programming. As it is, I'd say hit the first new non-celebrity you meet over the head with a steel pipe, search the guy's room for the secret entrance to the evil lair, find the kidnap victim/ stolen money & call it a day.

Speaking of cartoon dogs.... am I the only person who finds it weird that Goofy is a dog who owns property, wears clothes & eats dinner with his buddy Mickey Mouse - who just happens to have another dog, Pluto, naked & chained to a shack out back where he is forced to subsist on a diet of scraps?

Fun at Work

Sneak into your boss's office, find his or her stack of business cards, write colorful messages on the back of a handful of them, & shuffle them back into the stack. Examples include:

"I'm not wearing underpants"

"Don't really call me - I'm just handing these out to look busy"

"50% discount to all N.A.M.B.L.A. members"

I hope it goes without saying to disguise your handwriting.

I'm.. hehe.. sorry

Have you ever, while someone told you a really sad personal story, thought about how inappropriate it would be to laugh while they were telling it? What sucks is that picturing the fallout from that scenario...

"You sick bastard! How can you laugh at the fact that my grandmother was killed & eaten by a deranged scoutmaster!"

...Is actually somewhat funny. Which means that you have to try not to laugh, lest the scenario you were just envisioning become true. Unfortunately, I can never stop myself from going down that mental road. However, I can now take comfort in the fact that you won't be able to anymore either.

Guidelines for the Socially Retarded

This is for all of you out there who have absolutely no clue about how you should interact with other human beings. I'm not talking about the fancy stuffed-shirt social pomp & circumstance that those pampered baby-boomers who wish to look refined would call etiquette; you can stab yourself in the eye with the shrimp fork for all I care. I'm talking about the things you must do to keep from being lynched, ostracize or otherwise penalized for your social incompetence. For the love of Christ, PAY ATTENTION:

1. Regarding conversation: If someone tells you an amusing / sad/ unfair story about a past experience of theirs, and you have a past story that is more amusing /sad/ unfair, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Especially don't say, "that's nothing - wait til you hear this..."
2. Driving: If you find that you were on the far right lane & need to turn left, or vice versa, you are not important enough to stop your car & hold up traffic until you get a clear shot across lanes. You keep driving until you can turn around, & make a mental note to watch where you're going in the future. You are not so special that 25 other people should give up 30 seconds of their time in order to save you a minute and a half.
3. Conversation revisited: When telling a story to people, remember that if the person doesn't know who you're talking about, don't voice your internal monologue about the trivial details - "and on the way to carl's house.. No, wait, I think we were going to Kelly's at that point because we already got the pizza, and that means we already passed carl's...." I can tell you right now that the rest of your story would go just as well, be it on the way to carl's or Kelly's. Oh, and no one gives a rat's ass.
4. Public restrooms: the ladies might operate by a different code than us gents so I won't presume to speak for them on this. Guys: if you are sitting in a bathroom stall, there is absolutely, without question, no valid reason to start up a conversation with the person in the adjacent stall. Unless you're out of paper.
5. Dreams: Unless your winkies & hoo-hoos touch regularly, you are not to force a person to listen to you talk about your dreams.

Parenting Tips...

1. Dress up as Santa and go to the mall. Wait until you have a sizeable entourage of rugrats, at which point you rip off your beard and loudly proclaim, “THERE IS NO SANTA!” Run towards the nearest exit.


2. I always wanted to download the Ice Cream truck music off the internet, and blast it as I drive down the road. Nothing like good music and the faces of disappointed children.


3. Scary as it may seem, I am now a parent myself. I can’t wait until my oldest child comes home from school to see me in the back yard filling a hole with dirt.
   ”daddy, what happened?”
   ”I bought you that puppy you always wanted, but mommy killed it”

Flying, or, an Analysis of Human Nature

To begin with, why are airlines compelled to distribute peanuts, which are essentially small packages of concentrated thirst, a full ten minutes before serving beverages? I think because they can.

My main gripe, however, is with my fellow passengers. When flying on Southwest, there are no assigned seats; the passengers form a line and board the plane, sitting where they please. In a polite society, this line could go to the back of the plane and start at the rear most seats, thereby allowing everyone to quickly be seated, as no one would block the progress of the passenger behind them in line. Unfortunately, people suck. The first person in line will take the very front seat, making everyone behind them wait while he stows his baggage and gets situated. Then, the second person takes the very next seat. Excruciatingly slow progress is made this way, but why should they care? I mean, they were first after all, so the needs of the crowd behind them don't matter. The ultimate irony is that they are trying to save time on getting off the aircraft, and the combined line wait for all these jackasses to find a seat is by far more than the time saved.

Personally, I think a big point of operating in a polite society is to consider the relative weight of your time versus the time of others. If all men are equal, than the value of each person's time is equal, making it rude to make someone else wait for 2 minutes to save yourself 20 seconds. Then, you have to multiply the wait by the number of people: making 100 people wait for 20 seconds each has just caused a combined 33 minutes of inconvenience (this officially makes you an inconsiderate asshole, by the way).

If everybody quit trying to be first all the damn time, you'd begin to notice something: while you might not be the first person there, odds are you'd get there in about the same time, and a lot less stressfully.