New Clinton Campaign Sticker!

The many faces of our Glorious Leader

HaikuReporter.com spotlight

Bird does to George Bush /
as he has done to progress /
for the past few years.

Movie of the week...

"Four Stars! Majestic From start to finish!"

-Sean Hannity

"If you weren't a sissy like John Edwards you'd have already seen it!"

- Ann Coulter

"The perfect way to end a lazy Sunday stroll through the Baghdad Market!"

-John McCain

"God told me he will personally kick you in the stones if you don't watch this!"

-Pat Robertson

Now Playing on all screens that were originally slated to play "An Inconvenient Truth". No refunds on Admission

An ad for the other side...

... Click to view larger

Stupid Picture: Fox News

Movie Trailer parodies

Ten Things I Hate About Commandments
Moses and crew get an 80's Teen Remix


Must Love Jaws
We all knew Jaws just needed some love!

Shining
A Heartwarming tale of a writer, a boy, and a motel...

Actor -Turned - Musician Roundup

Sometimes, being a famous movie star means you are multi-talented. Sometimes, being a famous movie star means that nobody will tell you when your music's bad. Here are some of the most memorable multi-taskers:

Don Johnson: Heartbeat
Yes, Sonny Crocket from Miami Vice thought he had the goods musically. No, he was not right. Listen for yourself, and see if this gem stands the test of time:




David Hasseloff: Looking for Freedom
Before he made bad music in Germany, he was mangling songs right here in the good ol' U S of A. Enjoy the cheesy knight-Rider Jumps.



jared leto - Brand New Name (30 seconds to mars)
If you're a chick, you know him from "My So-Called Life". If you're a dude, you know him as the blond guy who got his face fucked up in "Fight Club". You might not like modern rock, but you gotta admit it's in a better class than the last two.



Patrick Swayze: She's Like the Wind
You saw him rip out a guy's windpipe in "Road House" - then he wrote a song to make you appreciate the irony of him keeping his.



Eddie Murphy: Party all the Time
I don't care if it does have Rick James, Bitch! It's still representative of all that is wrong and unholy



Steven Seagal - Girl it's Alright
When I found out Steven Seagal made an album, I thought I had found the perfect, cheesy no-talent ending to this list - for fuck's sake, it's Steven Seagal! Imagine my surprise when I discovered It's not half-bad. It's not really my musical cup of tea, but it has a laid-back feel, Santana-esque guitar, and his voice actually sounded pretty decent. Who woulda thunk?!?



Come on - add to the list if other actor/singer's come to mind. Except J-Lo. That's just too damn easy. 

Exit, Stage Left:: the Sequel

After having planned the minute details of my suicide, I decided to focus my energies on my funeral. Unfortunately, I cannot decide between my final 2 ideas:

1. To have my corpse wired with animatronics - you know, like those creepy ass talking puppets at Disney World. I figure I could be wired to sit up in my coffin right before the preacher finishes speaking. It would be nice to say some words on my own behalf. Perhaps I could be wired to point at the person implicated from my suicide plans and say "HIM..."
2. Pinata Party! The way I look at it, there's never anything for the kids to do at funerals - and as anyone who's ever talked to a soccer mom for more than 5 minutes knows, it's all about the children. I'll have my body stuffed in a pinata(I might have my body dismembered for an easier fit - I'll experiment first), which will hang over my cemetary plot; once the kids break the pinata, I'll fall into my resting place as a mexican trumpet solo breaks out. Not a dry eye in the house.
   

Exit, Stage Left

Good news: I've planned my suicide.

Don't worry - I'm not about to kill myself or anything; I just happen to like having contingency plans for whatever life may bring. Be prepared, I say.

Anyways, back to the plan. I'll leave a simple note - "goodbye, cruel world!" or something to that effect. The kicker is that I'll hold a key in the hand that wasn't busy, well, killing myself. Naturally, the authorities will investigate the key. This key will lead them to a safe deposit box at a local bank, in which they'll find a videotape. This videotape will be of me, saying that if they found this tape I must be dead; and if I'm dead, a certain person is responsible, no matter how bad it may look.

I'm not going to ruin all the fun and say who I will frame, or when. Gotta have some fun with it.

Long Time No See...

Am I the only one who hates it when you bump into someone you haven't seen in years? I'm not talking about your former best-friends or anything, either; I'm talking about acquaintances, like the guy who had the locker beside yours in your sophomore year of high school or that shady kid you used to work with 10 years back (you know, the one who tells you his 'humorous' breaking & entering anecdote right before he asks directions to your house for the party you didn't want him to know you were having).

You always see them first, too; at the mall or an outdoor concert, about 30 feet away. You can't help but to look at them for a lingering moment, "is that who I think it... SHIT!". Usually, this happens to be the time they turn and look directly at you. No escape now, time for EXCITING SUPER-FUN SMALL TALK! You Take the lead:

"Hey!."(fake intensity)
"Hi."
"It's Been a while!"(if only it was a little while longer...)
"Yes, it has."
(insert introductions of other people in both groups here)
"Have you seen (insert mutual acquaintance here) lately?" (if I cared, I'd have seen them lately myself)
"Yes, Mutual Acquaintance is brief summary of mutual friends marital status, location of residence & employment"
-OR-
"No, not for a while, (response question about other mutual acquaintance)"
(Answer to their mutual acquaintance question)


Now comes the endgame. The trick is to wrap up this little slow, painful death of a conversation without giving up:

1. A phone number. You obviously don't really care to have this person back in your life, or else you would have kept in touch with them. Besides, do you really want to invite the chance of more conversations as excruciating as this one? The only upside is the small sliver of hope that they might just be asking to be polite- because, let's face it, they haven't really tried to track you down either.
2. Your email. This is the kiss of death. Unlike a phone call, which takes them more time & requires more commitment, any jackass can put you in their address book. I mean, they're doing you a favor, right? Forwarding you all those funny lawyer jokes & inspirational messages? How could they in good conscience not let you in on a surefire way to GET RICH QUICK!!!
3. A commitment to get together some time. This one isn't too bad, or in any way binding you to an actual future meeting with them- it's just hard for me, personally, not to grimace at myself while the lies slither off my tongue like snakes.

Then you say goodbye, part ways, and you silently kick yourself while making a mental note to move out-of state. And can you believe we actually look forward to our high school reunion?

McDumb

I hate when I go to a fast food place & try to place an order, but I have to deal with a zombie cashier with absolutely no capacity for critical thought:

"I'd like an order of fries with a small drink, please"

"I'm sorry, but we only have medium, large and extra large drinks, sir..."

At this point, after I silently count to 10, I wonder if I have to break out a chalkboard to explain to this asshole that just becuase mcMarketing decided to shake things up by changing the names of the sizes to appeal to the hip extreme crowd, or whoever's ass the media is kissing this week, the smallest of the available sizes is still the friggin' small. I know they have to follow the hip new mcLingo or else they'll have to be bonded into wage slavery with some other soulless corporation, seriously straining their weekly weed budget, but for god's sake: THINK!

I also hate it when I go somewhere to get beer (would you believe that dealing with society drives me to drink? go figure...) & the only ID available is my US Passport. This just makes the cashier nine kinds of flustered:

"I'm sorry, but we only accept driver's licenses and military I.D.'s"

"No, you accept this, too. This will get me into any country in the world. This can get me inside an American Embassy anywhere in the world. This is acceptable I.D. to get a job anywhere in the country, and is pretty hard to fake. It sure as shit can get me a 6-pack."

"Maybe I should get a manager..."

Maybe I Should Get A Manager... That is mcZombie for "Does not compute". You have deviated from the script. This was not covered in the manual. Now a manager must be summoned, because none of the peasants are allowed the luxury of free thought.

Speaking of buying beer, in the south you can not buy beer on sundays! It's happened to me before. I tried to tell them that it was okay to sell it to me since I wasn't a christian, but that didn't fly.

And your Little Dog, too!

I have a serious problem with Scooby-Doo. And all his half-wit friends.
I know you think I must be twisted to hold a grudge against cartoon characters, but I do. My soul darkens with a special brand of loathing whenever I see or hear them.
Here's why:

1. The complete lack of critical thinking. Put yourself in their shoes: if your last 2,176 cases culminated with you pulling a monster mask off the head of some toothless, spiteful old codger, why in the name of Christ on a pogo stick would you run in fear from the current toothless, spiteful old codger in a monster mask? I don't care if they have a mobile meth lab in the back of that van - If you can teach a dog to talk, you can recognize a simple pattern.
2. On the note of pattern recognition, surely I am not the only person to notice that the villain is always the first person introduced by the friend who invited them to the haunted amusement park/ cursed motel / eeeevil factory. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME! For just once, I'd like to see the celebrity guest be the criminal.
   

   DICK CLARK IS THE EVIL GHOST BUNNY?!? WHY, DICK, WHY?
   
   ratings... slipping... wanted to stay young... needed fresh souls....
   

   
   

Now that would be worthwhile programming. As it is, I'd say hit the first new non-celebrity you meet over the head with a steel pipe, search the guy's room for the secret entrance to the evil lair, find the kidnap victim/ stolen money & call it a day.

Speaking of cartoon dogs.... am I the only person who finds it weird that Goofy is a dog who owns property, wears clothes & eats dinner with his buddy Mickey Mouse - who just happens to have another dog, Pluto, naked & chained to a shack out back where he is forced to subsist on a diet of scraps?

Fun at Work

Sneak into your boss's office, find his or her stack of business cards, write colorful messages on the back of a handful of them, & shuffle them back into the stack. Examples include:

"I'm not wearing underpants"

"Don't really call me - I'm just handing these out to look busy"

"50% discount to all N.A.M.B.L.A. members"

I hope it goes without saying to disguise your handwriting.

I'm.. hehe.. sorry

Have you ever, while someone told you a really sad personal story, thought about how inappropriate it would be to laugh while they were telling it? What sucks is that picturing the fallout from that scenario...

"You sick bastard! How can you laugh at the fact that my grandmother was killed & eaten by a deranged scoutmaster!"

...Is actually somewhat funny. Which means that you have to try not to laugh, lest the scenario you were just envisioning become true. Unfortunately, I can never stop myself from going down that mental road. However, I can now take comfort in the fact that you won't be able to anymore either.

The Dark Side of Science

I was reading about time travel the other day because, well, I'm somewhat of a dork; one of the predominant theories is that there are an infinite number of parallel universes in which all possible outcomes of all possible events exist. This made me feel good, because I realized that somewhere out in the midst of those parallel universes, I'll finish this entry, hop in my dodge viper and go on a day trip to the beach house. But then I also realized that there is another parallel universe in which I finish this entry, put on a pink bunny suit, hijack a short bus, castrate a clergyman and set myself on fire in the women's undergarments section at walmart.

Guidelines for the Socially Retarded

This is for all of you out there who have absolutely no clue about how you should interact with other human beings. I'm not talking about the fancy stuffed-shirt social pomp & circumstance that those pampered baby-boomers who wish to look refined would call etiquette; you can stab yourself in the eye with the shrimp fork for all I care. I'm talking about the things you must do to keep from being lynched, ostracize or otherwise penalized for your social incompetence. For the love of Christ, PAY ATTENTION:

1. Regarding conversation: If someone tells you an amusing / sad/ unfair story about a past experience of theirs, and you have a past story that is more amusing /sad/ unfair, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Especially don't say, "that's nothing - wait til you hear this..."
2. Driving: If you find that you were on the far right lane & need to turn left, or vice versa, you are not important enough to stop your car & hold up traffic until you get a clear shot across lanes. You keep driving until you can turn around, & make a mental note to watch where you're going in the future. You are not so special that 25 other people should give up 30 seconds of their time in order to save you a minute and a half.
3. Conversation revisited: When telling a story to people, remember that if the person doesn't know who you're talking about, don't voice your internal monologue about the trivial details - "and on the way to carl's house.. No, wait, I think we were going to Kelly's at that point because we already got the pizza, and that means we already passed carl's...." I can tell you right now that the rest of your story would go just as well, be it on the way to carl's or Kelly's. Oh, and no one gives a rat's ass.
4. Public restrooms: the ladies might operate by a different code than us gents so I won't presume to speak for them on this. Guys: if you are sitting in a bathroom stall, there is absolutely, without question, no valid reason to start up a conversation with the person in the adjacent stall. Unless you're out of paper.
5. Dreams: Unless your winkies & hoo-hoos touch regularly, you are not to force a person to listen to you talk about your dreams.

But She has a Nice Personality!

I'm tired of all this complaining about how we're a society that judges others on their looks. Of course we judge people by their looks! You hear all these ugly people talk about how they just want a man/woman to see beyond their appearance and appreciate their inner beauty. What a line of shit - what they really mean is that they want someone better looking to be attracted to them. Obviously, someone of equal (un)attractiveness could be with them without this appreciation for "inner beauty", but they're not interested in discovering the "inner beauty" in someone else of their place (or lower!) on the 10-point scale. Like all those bullshit teen love movies about how the high-school nerd gets the captain of the cheerleading squad after she falls in love with his quirky sense of humor. I'll let you in on something: he does get the cheerleading captain - 15 years later, after he gets his software patent(money, the great equalizer). And after she spent her high-school and college years dating the quarterback.

The reason why we want an attractive mate: genetics. We want to have a good-looking mate so we can have good-looking children, who'll either:

1. Mate with good-looking people & produce good-looking grand-children, or
2. Become trophy spouses to less attractive people with money, producing moderately attractive grand-children with material advantages that enable them to secure a mate with even more desireable genetic material, resulting in uber-great-grandchildren

That's just the way it is. Personality & intelligence count to a degree - most people would prefer a likeable, intelligent '8' over an idiotic, bitchy '10'. Furthermore, there's nothing wrong with being unattractive - hell, embrace it! Think about how much time each day you'll save by not having to primp. Find someone of equal looks, love them for who they are, and be happy! Don't write in to extreme makeover about how you need facial reconstruction and a set of pec implants or fake boobs to be a worthwhile person.

Cause of Death?

Here's something to chew on:
Imagine that, for some reason, someone tied cinder blocks to your feet and threw you to the bottom of an empty pool. You look up to find that this someone has a truck full of water, and a truck full of sand. If they dump the water into the pool you would die by drowning, right? If they were to dump the sand into the pool instead, you would die by suffocation. What if they dumped half and half? Where is the threshold where if you add more sand you'd suffocate instead of drown? I've done this experiment on at least a dozen winos, and I still don't know for sure; but I can tell you that it's somewhere in the 45-55% sand range...

Parenting Tips...

1. Dress up as Santa and go to the mall. Wait until you have a sizeable entourage of rugrats, at which point you rip off your beard and loudly proclaim, “THERE IS NO SANTA!” Run towards the nearest exit.


2. I always wanted to download the Ice Cream truck music off the internet, and blast it as I drive down the road. Nothing like good music and the faces of disappointed children.


3. Scary as it may seem, I am now a parent myself. I can’t wait until my oldest child comes home from school to see me in the back yard filling a hole with dirt.
   ”daddy, what happened?”
   ”I bought you that puppy you always wanted, but mommy killed it”